The One Big CrackedUp unHappy Family
by schizofragile
Summary: The untypical, average story of the one big crackedup unhappy family of our four main Death Note characters. What family could be happier? Mainly RaitoxL and NearxMello, with hints of MelloxMatt. [Chapter 3 up!]
1. The CrackedUp Husband and Wifey

Title: One Big Cracked-Up unHappy Family

Author: iP

Summary: A nonsensical, plotless story of the one-big-cracked-up-happy(?) family of our four main Death Note characters: the three detectives and Kira. What family could be happier?

A.N.: That's what DN characters get when I eat chocolate pudding, ate all of my chocolate pudding, have insomnia, AND have no personal computer to myself. YES, THEY'RE MARRIED. XP. And they have children wtf. XDDD;

* * *

It was a perfect, sunny, spring day; all the birds were twittering incessantly as it hovered across the blue sky patched with fluffy white clouds. A rainbow could be seen nearby, and under it a park where lots of couples with their children strolled around did nothing but sit lazily under the warm morning sun. Some were heard shouting as they opt to find the gold-filled pot at the end of the rainbow. A few bade their time, doing something which shouldn't be elaborated about. On another side of the park, a river lay with the river's gate sign labeled as 'boats-for-rent'. It was all and well that day, except for one big mansion just beside the park.

"WHERE'S MY COAT?!?"

Stomping, an annoyed Raito Yagami bustled and shouted over the kitchen while he struggled to put on his red polo shirt. "L, where have you placed my coat?" He asked in a now more calmed tone, since he cannot shout in a more aggravated manner at the same time as he tried to flatten his messed-up hair with the comb on the kitchen table.

Atop the table, L watched him dress as he twiddled his toes and bit his thumbs. The raven-haired lad was sitting in a very awkward position, yet he didn't seem to care at all; instead, he fixed his wide black eyes on the person before him. He had a small, eerie smile with him, though, as he continued to stare hungrily at the well-defined body of his companion.

"My coat." Raito commanded with a very big air of superiority over the other, his arms folded and chin stuck up in a defined manner. No, he did not like to be kept waiting, much less ignored. Especially by _this_ person. Besides, he had given up patience a long, long time ago. "I need it, L. My coat."

L was now investigating a piece of paper stuck on Raito's button-up shirt. Gingerly—like he always did, he scooped it up in his hands like it was a small, fragile bird on the brink of death.

Raito was just about to protest when L's naturally expressionless eyes narrowed at him and thrust the small sheet in front of his face. Blankly he stared at it, then ogled, until he got peeved and frustrated mainly because L was glaring at him, and partly because he was still half-naked, and the silky material of his crimson clothing clung to his body in a weird sort of way, which means that he's not properly dressed yet. He considered answering but then decided against it; he wanted to get away from the house as soon as he possible.

Defiantly L maintained his stare, firm and steady as it was before, and then his lips parted for a brief moment, Raito definitely saw that; but then he regained his countenance and forced a pout, which was tugging itself endearingly on his thin, pale lips.

Shrugging, Raito snatched the forsaken paper back and carefully tucked it in his pants' pocket. "What do we have for breakfast, L?" He asked, hoping to digress. "And, my coat. You've nearly made me forget about my coat. I need my coat." He felt like a tape recorder by now.

Not an inch did L move. He just stood there, feeling the smooth table under his feet, and sniffed Raito with his finely-cut pale nose, sniffed Raito as if he were a piece of chocolate, or coffee, not that it mattered anyway; and he let Raito take in the shock, let him take the shock while he continued to smell cappuccino and get intoxicated with the caffeine that mixed with the faintest trace of blood, though he didn't know why. All he knew was that he was getting too drowned in smelling the student's fragrance, and quite exquisitely was that smell too. Still sniffing the other, L subconsciously inched closer to him, and was now on the luxury of smelling Raito with his nose placed perfectly on Raito's dusky right nipple. Raito knew what was coming, but couldn't force himself to draw back since within the hearts of his hearts—or his hormones—he liked it too.

"What, getting on with it this early?" A bored and somewhat disgusted voice joined the room, and Raito's head immediately turned a bit as he wanted to see who interrupted his rants and… well.

Mello grunted and gave a what-the-fuck-is-it-that-you're-doing-again?! look at the two while he grabbed a glass from the sink and filled it with water from the pitcher lying on the table. Like most of the days, he wore THE gothic look, leather pants and all, _thinking_ it would fit him. Then he heard a snort behind him, and found Near smirking at him with those malicious eyes of his. Instantly his anger flared up but even before he could speak, Near promptly cut him.

"It's not like you're straight or _something,_" Near remarked with sheer mirth in his eyes and he just had to laugh. Mello was being stupid. Again.

"But not in front of us, no." Mello placed his hands on his hips and felt the smooth material of leather on his palms. Near raised an eyebrow. Then he smugly took a step forward, and was behind the leather-clad lad now.

"No?" He gave the other's butt a little squeeze.

"WHA—? OW!" Yelping, Mello removed Near's hand from his pinched behind and gave him a wry glare. Near licked his lips tantalizingly at him and he felt himself redden at such an act.

"Kids," Raito spoke matter-of-factly as if nothing happened right in front of his eyes just now. Ushering them to go away, he ordered them to do their task. "…Stop it. We're having breakfast, so prepare the table."

"Shut up, Kira." Mello spat.

Raito leered at him with a maniacal glint in his eyes that was very hard for the other not to miss. Especially when it was directed at him, oh no. "Now, go and behave like your dear little brother over there, and go arrange the table. You should follow now, I suggest; it'll be harder for all of us if you disrespect me, since after all, I am the father of this household."

The two boys glanced helplessly at L, who was still sniffing the _'exclusively yours, Raito'_ fragrance. Near gave a dismissive sigh and Mello was meeping. Yes, meeping. It was really hard for them when Raito—Kira, rather—became in charge of the household. Before, L used to be the father in this lunatic family but one day, something changed and they were all at Raito's mercy. L's treatment was better, though it wasn't really hard to wonder why.

Grudgingly Mello agreed and headed off where his brother was, but not before muttering a thousand strings of curses he could think of under his breath. Raito just smiled sardonically at this, and then he felt something quite… _nice_ on his body. Particularly, his nipple. He sighed wistfully as he felt L's tongue expertly lick him, and when he sighed again in contentment the two boys immediately stiffened. Mello slowly wheeled around and dropped his jaw in shock.

"L! Don't… do that _awful_ thing! It's scaring the shit out of us—" Mello started as he heard the loud crashing of glass Near was holding.

Raito triumphantly grinned at him as he melted with pleasure in L's treatment. "Just go and continue what you're doing, go ahead and fix the table. Let L stay here for a while and _do his thing_."

"But—b-but—" Mello stammered, pointing incredulously at the act.

Groaning, Raito raked a hand over L's dark locks before replying, "You see, L has an oral… fixation. He likes to indulge his mouth in something; usually—lollipops or candies or cakes or ice cream, the works. However, he must've swallowed the fridge whole, and it just happened that my nipple was there, at the right place and at the right time."

Near was shaking violently now, and his shoulders gave a depressing sag, which must've meant he lost all sanity that he had; and Mello was making gagged sounds. How unfortunate of them.

Meanwhile, L didn't make an effort or whatsoever to stop even though he wanted to protest—damn Raito and his teasing nipples, just waiting to be eaten whole—because he didn't _really_ swallow the fridge in its entirety, mind you. However, it would be more disappointing if he actually stopped, and he was too busy to boot. At this time, Mello was near to barfing and Near close to being forever scarred for life, so they spun around and prayed to whoever is up there that the two stopped now.

They were in luck.

Raito pulled away and pushed L in such a forced manner that the latter tumbled and made a noise between a squeak and a grunt.

Oh how he _loved_ to tease.

The two smaller boys _had _to look back. Damn reflexes.

"Ah, well." Raito smiled at the three of them his best smug and casual indifference of a smile, and then proceeded to arrange and smoothen out the creases on his clothing—how did L manage to do that, anyway?—while the others stared at him; two with revolted glares, and one lust-filled stare and a sprinkle of mirth to boot. He glanced at them again and said with a very haughty voice, "What do we have for breakfast?"

* * *

Still fuming, Mello shoved a humongous size of the chocolate cake in his mouth while he continued to stare at Raito and L wryly, thinking that one would jump the other any time now. He looked beside him and saw his… supposed-to-be brother. Near was busy playing with his food, as always. Then Near caught him staring. And smiled. And winked. And licked his lips. And darted out his tongue. And…

Mello's brain suffered from bleeding. As well as the other parts in his body.

"Kids." Raito reprimanded at the two and Mello really wanted to cut his head off. Badly. "You should eat and not play games; you still have school to attend." There. Kira was talking in his matter-of-factly manner again, and the blond assumed he was in his crazy god mode. Then the brunet turned to face L as he stared at the food in front of him with a frustrated look.

"Agh, cake again? I swear I'll get toothaches and all…"

L bit his lip. "You don't like it?"

_No, not again_… Mello thought, infuriated. When L got into his cute-adorable-lovable look, it meant that Raito could not—and would not—resist. Which meant more eyebleed for the two… well, children.

Noticing the heated glare from Mello, Raito coughed and said, "Mello, Near… I was wondering—I meant _we _were wondering—" he grimaced when L nudged him sharply in the ribs, "—how your school life is going. I mean, it's not hard right? You can get along well with others—"

Scoffing, Near delicately sliced the cake with his knife using only his forefinger and thumb. "Get along well with others. That's big, coming from an insane psychopath like you, Kira." He repeated with a biting sarcasm in his quiet remark. He waited for the furious _'I-am-a-god-and-not-an-insane-psychopath!'_ scathing retort from Raito, but it didn't happen. Mello, on the other hand, simply didn't care.

"Just great." Mello helped himself to another slicing of the chocolate-caramel cake and even dipped his finger for an addition of chocolate icing. Near gave him a cold glance but did not bother to speak out loud. He knew Mello was being sarcastic too.

"Good," L spoke quite cheerfully which was the first time they ever heard him speak that day. "Now why don't you eat that all, hm?" He asked while giving them his trademark eerie smile. "Raito, why did you _not _buy chocolates yesterday again, I might ask?"

Beside Mello, Near remarked, "He wants to make our lives a misery, so what else is new?"

"Near." L enunciated the word with such authority that the white-haired boy didn't try to speak up once more. "Raito, as I was saying?"

Raito gulped. "Well, we don't have enough money for sweets—" he choked on his own voice when L put on his trademark expressionless stare. "—I mean, I was going to buy but I forgot it, so…"

"You'll buy later, right?" Everyone could hear the fake sweet voice.

Raito dodged a look to his left, then upwards—great. No one was to help him. "…Right," he smiled sheepishly as he tugged on his necktie, feeling it to be a little on the tight side.

"Thank you." L knelt on the wooden dining chair he was sitting on and placed a peck on Raito's lips. Raito turned sideways to face him and gave a naughty smile.

"I think I'd rather have you somewhere, and you should wear something other than that," he pointedly looked at the railroad-train pajamas L was currently wearing. Ignoring the younger two purposely, he stood up, cradled the black-haired lad in his arms, and went off the room, headed for their bedroom.

The two boys stared at them for a minute then resumed eating.

"Life," Mello mumbled as he shoved yet another helping directly to his mouth.

"Nuts," Near muttered under his breath.

* * *

A.N. OHGOD. LOL. First DN chapter fic, so again… Um. No flames, please! TT; I wouldn't want any of the sort, and if you even dare I shall use it to burn your favorite character at the stakes. Yes you heard it right. XP. And ugh, I still need to continue my RaitoL fic entitled the cake… something. XP. Gah. Random: Raito you are so hot, marry L! Lol, I should stop now.

As always, reviews are deeply much appreciated. Thank you!


	2. The Poor, Unfortunate, Scarfaced Blondie

Title: The One Big Cracked-Up unHappy Family

Chapter 2 – The Poor, Unfortunate, Scarfaced Blondie

Author: iP

Summary: A nonsensical, plotless story of the one-big-cracked-up-happy(?) family of our four main Death Note characters: the three detectives and Kira. What family could be happier? And who knows, it might actually evolve to something with a plot! Some fog's been circling, hovering like shit around my head during the past few days.

A.N.: Ahh, I know it's been quite… well, plotless? XP And I've been in my bouts of moodiness and emo-ing, so I don't know how this will end up… Tell me, mkays? BTW, I really really want to say thank you to the people who reviewed::glomps you all:: And I know there's been questions why the three detectives knew Raito was Kira, yet they landed in an awkward heap called… family! Lol. That'll be cleared in the next few chapters… I hope so. And OMG I LIKE MAKING FUN OF MELLO ::shock:: WELL. Um, and I know it isn't obvious, but really like Nia more. XD;

Shout at me when it becomes confusing, eh::fiddles nervously with spoon:: And I don't fully know the profiles of them all except for Raito and L, perhaps… I am treading on very thin ice. D:

I dedicate this chapter to dear YingFa19, as she is one of the wonderful people who follow my fics and stalked enough for me to recognise her. A-ha! I know you're lurking under an anonymous comment somewhere. Where's your fic btw::huggles:: This one's for you! XD

* * *

Once upon a time in fog-covered, historical England, there lived a young boy with blond hair by the name of Mihael Keehl who was perpetually teased by his fellow orphans, due to the fact that he wore an apparent scar on his face which caused him to be the butt of many jokes, and even more so when he valiantly defended that _'it was sexy_' and that they _'were just jealous_'. However, luck was quite smiling down on him when, on that fateful day, when Watari explained to him that he fared better than anyone else in the orphanage, and it made him an egoist who later on became vain and a pain in the ass for everyone. 

After learning that his bullying fellow orphans had the brain size of a regular pea—since he did exceedingly better above the rest, after all, though the children had had _enough_ talent to be put in Wammy's House—and they also had an astounding IQ of a rock from his point of view, he became more tolerant of the orphanage's trysts wherein he was being kept as the star of the show. One time, when the other children tried bully him, he would sneer and remark at the unfortunate boys' intelligence; and since then no one _ever_ dared look at him, bully him, nor fight back at him.

Until Near came, that is.

Near, who came out of nowhere with his 'real' name—Nate River, completely blew whatever that was in the orphanage. Children actually _loved_ him, wanted to be with him, play games with him. The shocking pure white that was, indeed, his actual hair color—one child questioned it once and they were somehow surprised that it _wasn't_ fake, for the love of—it always stood out, white as the snow on a winter's day, and wherever they would go, people would always notice him, his hair, his looks, his countenance, everything; and it just made Mello angry. No, anger was an understatement. He wanted to impale the sodding albino boy on some thick material that would unpityingly stuck up to his ass—

He blushed up to the roots of his hair.

Wait. Forget he said that.

—Anyway, the rivalry deepened and everyone was egging them to—as people always do—compete against each other until the other dies—or something close to that. He remembered taking the challenge head on just to stimulate the poor bird-brained children's brains, while Near only made a loud grunt which implied that he, the famous rookie, would not back down; then the game was on. It happened all in a hazy and next thing he knew was that he liked kissing the daylights out of the boy-who-hasn't-produced-a-single-melanin-in-his-body, and yes, he should know all about melanin. He sighed in contentment as he remembered—

"Mello, the butter."

Mello's hands instinctively grabbed the butter beside his plate and unconsciously gave it to the hand that was asking for it—no pun intended—when he saw that all-familiar grin, or more likely, an evil leer at him.

"Ah." Raito smiled in his version of an eerie smile as he reached out for the butter, only to find it swimming on the bowl of soup right in front of him.

"Wha—what did you call me?" he spat out incredulously, shooting bits and pieces of chocolate cake from the cake in the former chapter. Narrowing his eyes on the so-called damnable 'father', he growled and continued, "You're not calling—calling me—"

"Oh," Raito smiled again, and yes, he was smiling like a jackal waiting for its prey. Or a lion deciding when to pounce. Or a hyena keeping sight of its food, ready to attack.

_No,_ Mello thought. When he smiled, it was up to no good. Definitely not.

Raito was busy having thoughts of his own, too, when he finally spoke up and gave his evil grin at him, and offered, "So, what do you want me, your _dad_, to call you, instead of your name?" he smirked now, and Mello could feel squirming in his seat as he tried not to do so. That was exactly why he hated Raito smiling like that. It made him uncomfortable up to various degrees. "Well, if you don't want to give a suggestion I could always think of a nice one." He offered with a smug grin plastered across his big, fat, evil face which was directly pointed to his own poor, semi-terrified and semi-horrified son.

"Shut up." Mello hrmph-ed and folded his arms.

"Hmm." Raito smirked even more—if that was possible—and idly cupped his chin with his left hand. "Perhaps you want me to call you—" he was grinning like a Cheshire cat now, "—My good, loving son? Or blondie, seeing how you always try to make your hair pretty."

Trying his hard damn best not to let his eyes pop out of its sockets, Mello only cursed inwardly more, hoping that his so-called 'father' would die of a heart attack right now. Why did this lunacy called family exist, why oh why? The wonders of the world would never fail to cease. Never ever.

Fortunately for him—or not, seeing Raito's increasing smirk—L came to his rescue and smiled at him with the patented L eerie smile, complete with the expressionless black eyes and all. "What is it?" he heard his 'mother' say—oh gods, what was happening to him anyway, it's as if he was brainwashed by this evil crazy god contraption named Yagami Raito also known as damnable daddy dearest—as he wrapped a loving arm around Raito's shoulders.

"You look good today." Raito couldn't help but keep his smirk on as he took in the full view of the raven-haired detective standing right before him. He grinned appreciatively at L's choice of clothing that day: the typical long-sleeved _thin_ white shirt—and yes, it _is_ incredibly thin, much to his heart's delight; a ridiculously short black shorts, which nearly hid from the visible eye as the white shirt overlapped it in a teasing way Raito could not help but admire; but most of all, L—the great, emotionless, expressionless, detective L—L was wearing an apron.

A goddamned pale blue apron, complete with white ruffles, cream laces, pink ribbons, and everything girly—and heaven and hell knows—_kinky_ in between.

"An APRON?!" Mello gaped at L incredulously. "What are you—out of your mind?" This was oh, nooo, oh too much to bear for the young blond as his brain failed to various degrees of self-destruction, not wanting to even see the goddamned foreplay the two will hold in front of him. He opened his mouth to cut whatever his damnable daddy dearest would say, but he couldn't find any words coming out of his mouth, so he opt to shut it instead. When he saw Raito's eye's narrow, he knew that the bastard of a father would comment lovingly on how his freak of a mother looked, and then his sanity would be lost all over again, and so he tried to say something, once more; but the hell he couldn't think of anything to say, and so he shut his mouth again, and opened it _again._

He looked like a fish.

And his sanity was lost just last night, thank you very much.

"That's not how you treat your mum," Raito reprimanded offhandedly at Mello as L gave him a queer stare. "Doesn't he look pretty?"

"You look prettier if you wore this one, Raito." L remarked naturally as he set down the plates on the table, as if he were talking about the weather.

Despite his best efforts, Raito blushed to the faintest shade of red. Mello sniggered—then laughed—when Raito dangerously narrowed his eyes at him.

"Oh, come _on_, Kira," Mello spoke in between laughs, "—it's not like we know that you sub sometimes." He guffawed as he finished the last word, and then continued on. "Kira—the crazy, insane, psychopath Kira is a submissive one, is it _not_?"

Raito was now fuming and L continued to pour water from the pitcher, not caring at all.

"I'm hungry." Near piped in; he was clearly not happy being left out in the conversation. They heard him as one would hear a whisper within a mile.

"I'm not a crazy, insane, psychopath killer!" Raito shouted, bursting his bubble. "I'm the God of the New World, and that's a title, so shut up—" he spat scathingly when Mello opened his mouth. "—and, for the record, I am the best and most effective killer, and I am right in every way, so if you don't want to _get grounded_, my most loving and caring son, you ought to shut that big, fat, useless mouth of yours. NOW." He murmured dangerously, ready for a kill. "And I'm not a sub." He added hesitantly after a few seconds.

Mello, not wanting to ruin his nightlife—he had to meet with Matt later at a bar, wait, not a _gay_bar, was it not? No, of course not, what were you thinking—he blushed and sulkily crossed his arms and for once in his life, followed his damnable daddy dearest. However, he could not let his pride go down the drain and let him win, so he chose to mumble.

"Killer."

Apparently Raito heard this too.

"Thank you for the compliment." Raito rolled his eyes. "Really, I thought my occupation was something along the lines of pro-life organisations, but now you've told me, I feel loved."

"Useless—" Mello muttered again.

"…Scarface."

Mello's head shot upwards and his eyes twitched.

"What did you just say?!"

Shrugging, Raito merely showed his poker face. "Said it."

"What did you just _say_?!?" Mello was now popping his veins out.

Languidly Raito plucked a candy flower inserted to the chocolate cake—yes, chocolate cake _again_—and took a small bite out of one of its petals. "Mmm, you what? Scarface."

Slamming his fists into the table—which resulted into a loud tinkering of china—Mello spat, "What. Did. You. Just. Say?"

"Scarface." Raito narrowed his eyes. "I thought you were intelligent, but it seems like my brain process has had a flaw with that one, now."

"Shut up, Kira."

"Oooh, a _very_ intelligent response. Haven't seen it coming." Raito replied dryly.

"AGH!"

L gave a chuckle.

"WHAT?" Raito and Mello shot derisively at him.

"Oh, nothing." He gave a chocolate toothy smile at them as he shoved a direct helping right to his mouth. After swallowing it, he went on. "I am amused by the lack of respectfulness in this family… Don't you think it actually keeps us closer than the typical family?" he smiled pensively at the thought of him and Raito, along with their two sons, walking along the park and hanging out, playing… Like a family. His smile tugged perseveringly at the corner of his thin lips, which made him look like it was twitching.

_Goddamned family,_ the leather-clad boy cussed inwardly.

A few minutes' silence.

Finally, when the two had the news sunk onto their currently debate-filled brain, they both stared at the dark-haired lad with an apron, and they stared at him, aghast.

"WHAT!?" Mello shouted louder than before, and he was about to add another defensive statement when Raito butted in.

"Clearly, dear. Your logic never fails to amaze me." He smirked at L, who was eyeing him now with wide eyes.

L smiled enthusiastically at the praise and raised an eyebrow—his own, unique way of flirting. Mello sighed dramatically and closed his eyes. How queer. Both in the sense of the word.

"Blondie?" Mello's head nearly snapped at the shock and annoyance that hit his senses. How dare this crazy, bigoted, psychotic freak call him _that_? Not even his best friend—no, not even _Near_ himself would dare call him that unscrupulous, imprudent, ghastly nickname.

He seethed and clawed the table with undisguised vexation. "How—how'd you even _dare_, you scheming, abnormal trickster!"

"The insults can get pretty boring." Raito commented blandly as he took a sip in his lemonade. "You should try for new combinations once in a while, _son_; the effects wear off eventually even before you know it."

"Don't call me _son_!" Mello yelled at the top of his lungs. The _hell_ did he care about this—this freaking family? To hell with all those who dare meddle with their arguments, damn it. They can all go to hell with his father. He shot Raito a venomous glare with the strength of a thousand suns and stayed that way when L ordered him to continue eating.

Still glaring, Mello gobbled the cake the size of an average saucer—all at once.

He didn't even bother to wipe off the icing that stuck to his cheek and chin; he'd rather glare his daddy dearest to death.

Whistling a happy tune, Raito pulled a pocket calendar from his wallet and gave an amused hoot when he glanced at the date. "L, dear." He encircled his arms at L's back and lovingly wrapped it with his own, then pulled him closer so that they were actually sitting next to each other.

"Today's Monday, isn't it?" he smirked when L nodded hopefully.

Mello narrowed his eyes at the two for a second then resumed glaring at Raito.

"Ahh," Raito chuckled. "Two days to go."

L nodded again.

"What—?" Mello spoke up, a bemused expression on his face.

"Hush," Raito waved his hand icily at him, continually ignoring the daggered glares he was receiving from Mello. "Say another word and you'll get an extra day for free." He tauntingly waved the calendar which was small enough to fit perfectly in his hand.

Mello sulked.

"Hurry up or you'll be late meeting your friend." L urged Mello to eat, but the latter refused and pushed the plate away from him.

"I'll get my things ready."

Raito snorted then disguised it as a cough when L turned his head to look at him with a warning expression on his face.

Wheeling around, Mello was sure to cut him into two but jerked hastily when the buzzer rang loudly across the whole mansion.

"Mello?"

"Your lover." Raito pointed at the door.

"He's _not!_" Mello shouted indignantly while restraining himself to blush to a very deep shade of crimson. Judging from the look of his father, he didn't make a clean job out of it. "I'm leaving." He gulped, waved at L, and practically ran out of the room.

"Kids," L mused happily, a smile of contentment in his features.

"If truth be told, I love Mondays with a passion." Raito smirked as he took another sip in his lemonade.

L quirked an eyebrow. "Better than Wednesdays and the other days?"

Raito smirked even more. "Of course not. But Mondays, they really remove the stress of killing useless criminals." He grinned more, if that was anatomically possible. "Every Monday, I get to tease scarface. _Every Monday_, I tell you." He pointed this phrase out by accentuating the words deeply and waving his hand in he air, as if to demonstrate something. "It's like a free candy for every good deed I've done." He nodded at the words that spilled forth.

Seeing the satisfied look on Raito's face, L just shrugged amicably and proceeded to eat his own chocolate cake. He was about to put the fork in his mouth when he heard someone whine, and it wasn't even Raito. He nudged Raito and they looked at each other, and then at the person sitting in front of them.

Near was indignantly holding a spoon and a teaspoon in his right and left hands, respectively. He stared at them, they stared right back, he continued to stare at them, and they continued to stare right back, not understanding the problem at all. Exasperated, Near gave a dramatic sigh.

"How about me?!" Near pouted. Raito and L looked at each other before shrugging and resumed their eating.

It seemed that Near didn't like being left out, as such in this scene where Mello got all the attention.

* * *

A.N. Aah, please drop a comment, okay? I would really appreciate it. 

Reviews are love, so please do review! Tell me what you think. XD.


	3. The Unloved, Ignored, Insane Albino

Title: The One Big Cracked-Up unHappy Family,

Chapter 3: The Unloved, Ignored, Insane Albino

Author: iP

Summary: A nonsensical, plotless story of the one-big-cracked-up-happy(?) family of our four main Death Note characters: the three detectives and Kira. What family could be happier? And havoc ensues.

A.N.: This time, it's Near who gets all the love. Aren't families like that? XD And there's smut. Your eyes will go blind, I tell you—well anyway. Read on.

* * *

_Buzz!_

Near scratched his ear while reading a green hard-bound book; pretending that he didn't hear the infernal buzzer ring on his ears annoyingly, over and over again. Languidly he positioned himself in the utmost comfortable manner possible, still trying to hold the book properly so that his reading wouldn't be derailed. He heard a muffled shout outside.

_Buzz!_

Groaning, Near grabbed the blue bookmark lying on the wooden table beside him and placed it delicately on the pages of the book, then snapped the said book shut and put it atop the table. He could just pretend he didn't hear, didn't hear anything at all—

_Buzz!_

…And it only resulted to more abysmal ringing in his ears.

_Buzz!_

_Buzz!_

_Buzz!_

"GET THE DAMNED DOOR, WILL YOU?!" Raito yelled at the other side of the house, aggravated that no one—Near knew he was being pointed at—wanted to open the bloody door.

Instead of following, Near grabbed a fluffy thick white pillow and wrapped his ears with it. "Damn right if I did." He muttered, snickering. Just as he was going to rub his knee with his toe—

L picked up the pillow from the boy's grasp and stared at him with a scolding expression on his face.

"Erm?" Near smiled hopefully.

Placing his hands on his hips, L made a pointing look that beckoned him to the door.

Near shrugged. "Fine."

Leaving the dark-haired lad, he stood up and made his way to the door. Cautiously as he ever did, he opened it just a bit and peered. "Who's it?" he asked, feeling his tone a bit polite to be true.

He heard a sigh from the other side, and then a reply. "Near, it's Mello, and… Matt." _Mello's voice lowered a little when he spoke Matt's name,_ Near mused.

Wait… WHO?

Near tilted his head.

"_Near, it's Mello, and… Matt."_

MATT?!?!?

Gripping the doorknob, he yanked the door open to find an awkward-looking Mello and a slightly disheveled Matt, who were stunned by the hastiness in his manner. Mello, as usual, wore his leather clothing, no doubt about it; he could see his own reflection in the shiny of the pants. Matt, however… Let's just say that Near didn't like it. Not that he liked any clothes Matt, wore, or… nevermind.

He thought of ushering them in, _both_ of them in fact, but he'd have to say so. And he didn't like talking, much less in front of this stupid minion of his—his brother. So, he stared at them, and they stared back, and he wasn't going to let them win in this mini-competition of staring, so he stared right back, or maybe it was already a _glare_; he could feel the blood in his veins quickening, throbbing, and it was so fast he was afraid it might burst—

"Why, hello there." Raito peeked in too, and evidently saw the mini-game they were having about. "Whoa. A staring competition. Mind if I join?" he asked before staring stupidly at the two. Then he felt a whack on his head.

"Ow!" Raito moaned, gingerly rubbing his neck to soothe the pain stinging on his head. "I was just having fun with my kids." He explained, though everyone knew he was lying. Of course.

L raised an eyebrow at him. "Of course, dear."

Mello shouted at the other end of the door. "DON'T CALL HIM THAT!" and after a few seconds, he suggested, "Um… Perhaps you would like us to come inside?"

Raito grabbed the doorknob, and pushing Near's hand away in the process. "Why yes," he said in false saccharine tones, making everyone have goosebumps. He waved. "Please come in." he added, smiling wickedly.

Near knew something was up. Oh yes, he could feel it in the air, he could see it in those fiery eyes, those smirking lips, and he's seen that too many times before. He knew it.

"We'll both be upstairs if you need us." He heard his so-called 'father' say. With a last wave, he bid them goodbye and dragged L's skinny hand—and of course, L himself—upstairs.

"Ugh." Mello rubbed his eyes.

"Well, what do you want to do?" Matt inquired.

"Anything." Mello shrugged, and then felt his friend's hand on his shoulder for a split second—before feeling the heated and intense stare from the white-haired boy in front of him, who was scowling, by the way. "Cake?"

Near gave him a stony glare before stomping to the kitchen.

* * *

"I'd say," Matt remarked joyfully as he sank his teeth on the chocolate-caramel cake that Mello offered him. "This cake is delicious." He said between mouthfuls.

"And common manners say that one should not talk while eating." Near muttered darkly, chewing his piece of cake bitterly.

Mello snickered. "You have a bit of chocolate there," he pointed at the corner of Matt's lip and wiped it with his finger. "All gone now."

Red with frustration, Near gobbled up the remaining food that was left on his plate before resuming his reading, ignoring the questioning looks Mello and Matt gave him. He opened the book hastily, hoping to get lost, once again, in the story in the book.

"Harry Potter?" Matt asked inquisitively.

The blond nodded. "He likes reading Harry Potter, and I admit I read some too before—you know it came from—"

"Hell, yes." Matt nodded, an amused tone in his voice. Near gripped the book tightly and proceeded to calm himself. "I was just… shocked."

"Yes, but Harry Potter—" Near didn't hear what Mello would comment about the book, be it good or bad; his voice was drowned by a loud stomp from the stairs, and down came L with an odd smile on his face, for the umpteenth time now—and Raito grinning maniacally, like a well-fed wolf. He saw the three boys stare at them, and he grinned even more, even passing a two-fingered hand salute as he stepped down.

"I… um, cake?" L's voice was still—a bit—husky.

Near's eyes widened as he let the book drop out of his hands and land with a pitiful _thud_ on the carpet—he had never let any books drop like that. Particularly this one. But no, he couldn't help it—the obvious look on their faces seemed to show everything that happened before. He groaned and clapped his hands over his ears.

Mello, following the same train of thought, immediately sent Matt away. "I'll tell you when to come back!" he shouted reassuringly as he closed the door.

"What happened down here?" Raito asked, with that all-too-familiar amusement in his voice.

"I would not expect any visitor to stay here for a few minutes!" Mello shouted as he pointed a finger accusingly at him. "By the time he warms up, you had to go and make it all horrible!"

"Cake?" L asked with a kitten-smile on his mouth, offering a small bite of cake on the fork he was holding.

"What did I do?" Raito asked innocently as he bit on the cake and giving L a smirk. "It tastes lovely, dear. But not as delicious and mouth-watering as you are," he finished off elatedly, seeing the faint blush crawl back to his lover's features.

"It's—_that_!" Mello bellowed, arm shaking. "You two can't get yourselves off each other, can you?! You practically drive people nuts!"

Near looked distraught.

"Can't help it," Raito replied with his offhanded tone.

The two boys looked at L. The detective gave them a small smile.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Mello screamed, and made a dash for his room. The three who remained raised an eyebrow at such an act. Sighing, Near picked up the book which was still lying pitifully on the floor—and, as he straightened himself up again, he saw Raito and L.

Kissing.

Well, that was not _exactly_ what they're doing.

French kissing, perhaps?

Um, no—they didn't make odd sounds like that.

Then it dawned upon his brilliant—and unfortunately—imaginative mind.

They were sucking.

Sucking and slurping and engulfing each other's throats dry, dry as a toast on a sunny day. Not to mention, wheezing and licking and panting and getting all hot, which was more than he could handle. Oh, and did he say biting and gasping and _tonguing_?

So this was the oral fixation Raito was talking about, dammit.

He never wanted to fall into the 'I-watched-my-parents-do-IT!' category of mentally and psychologically-abused children. He hoped for a miracle.

Near closed his eyes. "Get a room, will you!" He threw the pillow at the two and Raito glared daggers at him before L muttered for 'round two'.

* * *

It was already half past eleven, and Near could see the eerie glow of the computer urge him to continue playing, though he was in all ways tired. Nastily exhausted, thank you very much. He glanced at the sleeping form on the bed, and saw that Mello's skin and hair showed a different, almost ethereal image of him and the white-haired boy shook his head.

He managed to be in the room after that eventful scene—though he had to creep quietly as he passed Raito and L's room, and almost cringed when he heard L—yes, he was sure it was L—moan loudly; he thought he might have a heart attack right then and there. He was still shaking as he regained his composure, and to put it bluntly—flew after passing the said room.

That was four hours before.

_Four hours,_ Near mused. Surely they couldn't have a go for four excruciating hours, right?

He _hoped_ so.

As his tummy gave a low growl, he sighed and stood up. He needed to eat something for supper. Apparently, his stomach didn't digest much. It might've barfed itself, if it saw the horrendous display of affection.

Walking casually as he could, he hummed a tone, not that he liked humming anyway—he felt the need to do it because frankly, if he didn't, he didn't know what would've happened, or heard—and so he whistled, hummed, whatever. Then as he saw the oak door which was the two older men's bedroom, he couldn't help but shudder.

As he passed, he noticed that it was open.

Being the curious cat that he was—future detectives are meant to be like that, always inquisitive and curious—he peeked inside.

He dropped his jaw in shock.

Literally.

Not maybe the 'drop-on-the-floor' kind, but his jaw _did_ drop with what he saw before him.

The detective—L—was _on_ the floor, just behind the bed—which actually saved Near from immediate blindness—and he was on all fours, groaning and whimpering as he bit his lip, and shuddering every now and then as he felt hands wander all over his body. Naked. And then he heard a loud grunt, and he instantly knew it was from Raito—Kira, the _hell_; and he saw him shudder also, and then he pushed L to the carpet with the detective lying on his stomach, nibbling his ear, which resulted to another moan.

Raito was boldly snaking his mouth to every part of L's neck, marking him here and there with hickeys, of course; and then suggestively pressing his body on him, which L returned, body arched, body sweaty, and pleasure written across his face. Seeing this only made Raito more aroused; he lifted his head and kissed him again, sucked his tongue, bit his lip, and licked every crevice inside L's mouth, wanting him more and more. "I want you. Now—"

Then they heard a loud _thunk_.

They stopped, frozen, and turned to look at the fainted limp figure of Near on the doorway.

Then there was silence, along with breaths of heavy panting.

And Raito flashed a victorious grin.

L stood up and arranged his boxers. "You shouldn't have done that, you know." He remarked reproachfully as he threw Raito an expressionless stare. "You scared him enough to scar him for life."

Raito casually threw an arm over L's shoulder and grinned evilly. "But you agreed with it. Besides, I have carefully plotted this out, don't you think so? He's harder to tease, unlike Mello. Seemed to have inherited your customary expressionless façade."

L gave a noncommittal shrug before turning to look at the still fainted body before them. "Help me drag this to his room." He waved his hand before Raito could touch him again.

"Don't' get angry." Raito sound hurt as they placed Near's body beside Mello's sleeping form. "It was for the both of us."

Despite Raito's explanations, L did not budge. "Yes, yes." He replied halfheartedly.

Raito sulked—for a few times in his life, this one included—and grudgingly opened the door, letting L come in first. "Then, we're not going to do—?" He shut up when he saw him eyeing his body lewdly. He jumped at L that instant.

"I… guess not?" L nearly moaned as Raito licked his nipple hungrily.

* * *

Next Chapter: School problems! Uh-oh. Raito and L have to go to their sons' school because… well, routine. Parent-teacher's conference spells trouble, and Raito and L gets caught up in some evil ploy. Tune in next time—gahahaha that was so your typical anime/tv show. Lmao.

A.N.: Well, I haven't doen anything about the cake fic, so you'll have to wait for that. And anyway, was this any better? Did it make you blind? XDDD Did Near get scarred for life? And why did I make a DN fic after writing one yesterday::gasp::

Reviews are always needed! X3


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